Greener

The summer is finally here. Why then, do I find myself completely unable to relax? Why am I still plagued with anxieties? Well, there are many reasons and I've grown sick of going over them again and again so let's skip that part.

I feel different. Something in me really did change over the course of the last year. What a fucking brutal year. I don't think I was always like this. There seems to be this persistent weight that I drag around, perhaps all the accumulated self-loathing over the past bit. I've done quite a bit of that in the past three years, if I recall properly.

It's probably up to me to let it go. I don't even think there's anything wrong with me. When I try to analyze my current state (which I am oft to do now that.. well.. that there's pretty much nothing else to do), I get the impression that I only feel the way I do because I've put myself in a box, a very particular frame of mind that is completely intolerant of any perceived mistakes committed by the self. Oh, a sentiment I can relate to all too well.

Maybe it was better that I didn't get a job this summer. I feel like I need the time to pick up my heal my battered psyche, to pick up the pieces of my shattered spirit that have been strewn all across the landscape.

Right now, I think the best thing I can do is just to breathe. Slowly let all those accumulations diffuse out. I must arise from these ashes or else, well, I'd have to start worrying about how I'll get through the next few decades...